It has taken me a couple days to sit, round up, and review all the thoughts, feelings, and emotions I’ve had over the past coup!e of days after spending yet another birthday incarcerated. What would’ve been the month to finally have my “day in court” and return home to my son, family, and friends has turned into another milestone and another moment challenging me to bury my hurts under the bandage of time, not ripping it off until fully healed. Fate seldom shows at the moment we suspect it. There is a reason for me having to spend yet another birthday “inside”. I have giving up believing in “happen chance”. There are no such things as coincidences, there is always a “design”, even if it is damn near impossible to see — it’s always there, and is here, RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT NOW, a phrase I woke with the morning of my birthday this year. In spite of being here, I don’t regret my life as lived. The first part of my life I lived for everyone else and it cost me. At times you need to get a little wild, take risks, dance on the edge of chaos to bring balance to life. Yes, I did that too — and it cost me — oh the irony. My breath caught in my throat at this thought. I could not allow myself to break down now; at no point in my life have I needed to be as strong as I needed to be — RIGHT NOW.
The issue before me is not whether to retreat or move forward, I know what I have to do. I cannot retreat. The question burning in my brain this birthday wasn’t whether or not to move forward, but how. How best to extract myself from this place. What can I do RIGHT NOW? RIGHT NOW was my morning mantra for my morning meditations. Maybe this was guidance. Here in my cell I pray for that gentle guidance, even if I’ve failed to recognize it before. In fact, I wouldn’t mind some vigorous “pulling of the strings” on my behalf by the Almighty, but RIGHT NOW I’ll take some guidance. I don’t know what the future holds, but I cannot act on fear of what might be. The future and the past are irredeemable, the only thing that matters right now is RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW, this moment, this minute, this is what matters most. RIGHT NOW is a pivot point, a pivot point where choices are made.
The sound of the cell door closing — CH’KLUMP — this is an agent of despair intent on destroying one’s will and reducing one’s resistance. The closing of the metal cell door multiple times a day and finally locking you down for the night is the sound of hopelessness — CH’KLUMP. There are many things about these events I don’t understand, that I may never understand, but one thing I do understand is that as long as I control my RIGHT NOW, they cannot defeat me.
I mentioned in my most recent essay the “promises” I tell myself about tomorrow. I recite these to myself nightly as I fall asleep, for sleep in here is essential. In here, every moment you give into fatigue is an invitation to despair. The more anxious your get to find sleep, the more it tries to elude you. So, I cling to the promises I tell myself, and pray for peace and in peace — sleep.
The trouble with sleep is the nightmares that I enter, only to wake to terror of the reality that awaits me repeatedly, day after day after day after day. Each morning I wake I think, “at last this is over”, “it was all just a bad dream”; but alas, it isn’t, and it takes time sometimes to decide which is worse — another chapter of nightmares that haunt my dreams, or another chapter of horror in this drama called … Today. Depending on the night and my answer, that determines the destiny of the remainder of my night, yet another night of incarceration.
Sometimes I dream and it’s good. It’s dreams of home. It seems when things are particularly bad my brain intervenes and gives me happy dreams: gaming or concerts with Trey, drinks with a friend, a kiss from a lover, a family dinner, on and on — through the night. When I wake from these dreams, I am, for a moment … comforted. I try to hold onto the peaceful feelings of those dreams; but, it quickly slips from my grasp and I’m left in this cell lonely and sadder than ever, a sadness infuses me like lead flowing through my veins. In these moments, I lose the will to do any more than lie here and stare at the metal bottom of the bunk above me layered with the pictures of pinup girls pasted there by previous inmates.
I find myself sometimes in my nightmares frantically trying to escape something inescapable. It’s the worst and most confining part of my prison — my mind. When I feel the most confined, I imagine my incarceration as providing a cocoon for my metamorphosis; isolated, trapped, and shut away from everyone and everything until I can emerge as something different — beautiful — shedding my old ruined life and finding secret magnificent wings that will fly me to my new destiny. But right now, RIGHT NOW, I remain here, squirming in this suffocation as my current self, sealed away until a time distant and unknown to me with nothing but the repeating repertoire of dreams and nightmares to keep me company.
So, this morning I woke and did the usual walk to my “mirror” and splashed water in my face to wash off the night. I had buried the previous days fatigue in my sleep and felt a renewed energy for this day. I looked at myself and was amazed how “normal” I still look on the outside when inwardly I am anything but. My life, my son, my career, my family, my friends, lovers past, my present, my future — all had screamed in my dreams over the past couple of nights. I looked back at myself in the mirror and said to myself out loud, “Is this all that’s left?” I shook myself, guillotining my own thought before I could answer. For a moment I was deaf to everything around me except for the drumming of my heart coming from inside me, its cadence becoming stronger, faster, and louder by the second. Suddenly, I felt poignantly alone, fearful, yet oddly relieved that certain feelings and memories were receding. I took a deep breath when another sentiment settled over me — sometimes walks are meant to be taken alone.
I am just a common man in an uncommon place. I will not allow changing times to change me. I will not lose my identity in my incarceration. I will refocus, redefine, and reinvent my life, gather my assets, and keep living and giving of myself to others. One day I will look back on all this as a fortuitous event.
I walked back to my bunk and looked out my cell window and fixed my eyes on a spot in my memory that no one would’ve been able to see, even if they had been sitting right beside me. My heart skipped a beat as I got lost in another thought. Sometimes an answer is immediate, but often, especially in times of crisis, an answer is not readily found because that specific answer doesn’t current exist as we know it. I have to remind myself that perspective can be as easily found as it is lost. I have to remind myself that even in here it is OK to go on living, in fact, it is as valuable as anything else. Perspective produces calm–a calm that leads to clear thinking, and clear thinking yields new ideas where the seed of the answer we seek can grow.
Many things in life are designed to do alone. There is usually no predicting what are when life will throw us into a situation that exposes each individual weakness. This circumstance has forced me to explore mine. My weaknesses (plural), a door I never liked to open, incarceration has provided an isolated place where I have inventoried and assessed each and every one. The length of the list is a bit depressing, but I’ve realized that this may have been meant to damage me or even take my life — a perverse psychology intended to terrorize and terrify me like any atrocity, but knowing this helps hold me together. I will not allow this to damage and destroy me, nor will I give into confusion. There is a reason I’m still alive for another birthday and it is not so my haters can relish in my imprisonment.
Just then, a shiny memory captured my attention. A solitary dream where my home is intact and I’m with the people I love … I sat and lived there for a moment.
There are times when I question why I feel such a need to be of service to these monsters we call the human race, despite being one myself and devoting my whole career to healing them. We all seem so hellbent on destroying one another. This COVID Crisis has caused me to wonder if nature isn’t just trying to kill us all off and let some decent species take over. Something is significantly wrong with a species that kills babies before they can be born, locks up its own citizens for petty political purposes, hates over skin color, fight and kill over the stupidest of stuff. The terrible truth is, it benefits no one to continue a world that operates the way this one does. We are fickle, stupid beings with poor memories and a great gift for self-destruction.
Then I dug a hole deep inside myself to bury my anger, hatred, and frustration only to find faith there — deep inside, I still have a weird faith in humanity.
I find myself this morning asking the same recurrent question, “Why me?” The answer seems equally recurrent and the same, “God still believes in you”. I always shake it off as silliness until the question returns like this morning, “Why me?” The answer persists, so, this morning I asked myself a different question, “How can I be so sure that God still believes in me?”, and the answer came just as sure and swift … “Because you wouldn’t still be alive if He didn’t!”
My life from here on will not be an apology, but a statement. I will no longer ask myself, “Why me?” I will ask myself, “Why NOT me?” Challenges are a common thread woven through the lives of anyone who achieves great things. I am responsible for my past, but also responsible for my future success. Truth is truth no matter what and does not depend on the collective opinion of others. I chose to bring the wrong people into my life, but I will shake off the dark forces of guilt and doubt that would shackle me with self-pity. When faced with the choice to do something or do nothing, I will always choose to do something — I will always choose to act. I will not dwell in depression or despair. I can’t do anything about the past, but I can grab a hold of this RIGHT NOW moment. I can’t do anything about squandered time or missed opportunities, but I can hold onto this RIGHT NOW moment and squeeze every bit of opportunity out of it — RIGHT NOW.
I will remain in service of my fellow man in whatever capacity I can, for the true value of humanity can only be found through service to humanity. I don’t fear opinions, gossip, or idle chatter on FB of people who do not matter. I don’t fear failure, for I can only fail if I do not try, only if I quit will I fail. I never quit, I never give up. I will seize this RIGHT NOW moment and make it serve me so I can serve others. Forever lost is the man whose future depends on the opinions or permission of others. Criticism, condemnation, complaining are the language spoken by the dispassionate. Yes, one day I will have my freedom, but RIGHT NOW on this journey I have found the secret to success in the most unlikely of places. Instead of letting current events control my emotions, actions, and perspective — I choose to control them! I can only be who I truly am by meeting my moment in the moment, positively. RIGHT NOW.
Today is September 12th, National Encouragement Day. I will actively today in the RIGHT NOW moment find a way to be an encouragement to the people I interact with — whether in this prison or through my pen. I will be strong in my state of mind and speak Hope, Compassion, and Graciousness (HCG) to those I come in contact with. My prescription for all those in need — HCG. I will consciously make every acquaintance “feel” they possess something of value. I will look on the bright side of this day, having faith in the future as I want it to be. I will think and expect the best in others, forgiving the past and the people in it, but most of all — I will forgive myself. I will not forget my mistakes, but use them as motivation for where I want to be in the future. I will fix a smile, not a smirk, but a genuine smile on my face speaking happiness and hope to all I see today. If any improvement needs to be done today, I will look for ways to improve myself not allowing time to look for improving others.
In doing this, I will be too wise to worry, too ambitious to be angry, too formidable for fear, and too positive to permit the presence of negativity brought about by the persistent trouble. I’ll pray for patience and guidance and take time to give thanks for today — this RIGHT NOW moment.
You do this too — and we ALL will make our dreams come true!!
RIGHT NOW.
Addendum from Doctorsofcourage:
Jeffrey Young, PA, had a 4 day trial March 27-March 31, 2023. He, his friends, and supporters thought that the Supreme Court decision US v. Ruan would work to acquit him. He spent almost 4 years in jail pre-trial. As I keep warning people, the District courts don’t pay any attention to SCOTUS. It’s all about the money. Jeffrey was convicted on Mar 31.
If you want these abuses of the law to stop, you must join Doctorsofcourage, learn the truth–that no drug causes addiction–and share that everywhere so we can offset the government propaganda that is putting innocent people in prison so government agents, DOJ, and law enforcement can make money off of the backs of compassionate medical providers.
