Thursday February 6, 2020 3pm

An Open Letter To Those Who’ve Hurt Me …

I’d like to start off by saying “Thank You”. A simple, yet extremely heart felt and honest “Thank You”. You always told me I was different, I’ve learned that was the best compliment, EVER. Thank you. You’ve broken me, and for that I’m thankful. I would also add that you don’t know this new me, I’ve put my pieces back together differently. Thank you.

I think back to the Winter/Spring of 1992, back to one of the largest “trials” of my short 18 years that I had lived up to that point. My kidney failure and subsequent transplant surgery was a painful time in my life, mentally and physically; and I still wear the scars, both physically and mentally. Despite the pain and scars, a time necessary to save my life. There at the time were friends and family going through it with me every step of the way. Fast forward 28 years later, today February 6th 2020; yet another defining moment and another painful process, it won’t kill me either, it will leave scars, but will also save my life — so, for your role, I say: “Thank You”. Despite your best efforts, same support system, I’m blessed with friends and family going through this with me, every step of the way.

Those of you that truly know me, know I am not reticent, I am resilient. I have already beaten the odds once, the last 28 years have been gravy and very gratifying! In 1992, I didn’t focus on what I had lost, but what I had left to give — Oh, what a ride it has been! The last 28 years introduced me to you and for that I am thankful. You’ve changed me.

There is an excitement in change. Like starting a new year of school, a new job, or moving to a new town; at first a little fear and hesitation, but always exciting! I am thankful for change. Most people are stuck in ruts, same job and same routine, also most are living lives of quiet desperation and disappointment — change is good. Most people are afraid of change, I am one of the lucky ones who change was thrust upon, thanks to you. I’ve always said I don’t call living the exact same day over and over again for 75 – 80 years a life.

Many of you (well “many” may be a slight exaggeration) feel you’ve won some major victory and are reveling in your perception of my predicament, but to win a victory would mean I was your victim. I’ll steal a line from one of my favorite movies of all time, The Crow — “Victims aren’t we all”. This is but one of many memorable quotes from this dark fairy tale of a young rock star and the love of his life that become “victims” of a horrendous murder on Halloween night. The young rocker Eric comes back from the dead as The Crow to avenge their murders, taking vengeance on the perpetrators of the violence done to him and his beautiful bride. But unlike Eric, there is no coming back from beyond the grave in this life, so I will quote someone that actually did: “Vengeance is mine” — God.   It can’t rain all the time.

I forgive you. Pain is a natural bi-product of abuse and injustice. Pain is a good thing, it lets us know that we can still feel, that we are still alive. Simmering in rage and unresolved anger creates victimization. The only escape from victimization is forgiveness. I’ll admit you’ve wounded me, that in and of itself causes enough pain, but I refuse to deepen the wound by adding rage and unresolved anger. I forgive you. I absolve you. I release you. Disappointed — yes, Discouraged — sometimes, Defeated — never. Disappointment is just a fact of life and discouragement is just a human reaction, but I choose both as a challenge — no destiny is fulfilled without disappointment.

I’ve always tried to be the best at every thing I’ve ever done and I’ve achieved a certain level of success. But thanks to you, I’ve learned that success isn’t a matter of being the best; it’s a matter of handling the worst. You’ve taught me a much simpler postulate — success is simply the ability to constructively deal with life’s challenges. Thanks to you, I’ve learned to lose without being defeated. As long as I’m breathing there will always be … “the next time”.

We all carry wounds. I am thankful to you for the overt assault wounds. These are obvious and easily dealt with. Passive wounds are more pernicious, like a cancer — things like bitterness and hatred in the form of unresolved anger. Thankfully you don’t have the power to inflict those upon me.   I am in control of my own mind.

We live in a broken world filled with broken people. Life is an endless search for validation. Many of you in my past gave me validation, if even falsely and with ulterior motives. K-block is full of “good men”, all searching for validation in the only way the know how with many people in their lives, like you, cheering them on — “get the house, get the car, make your money, shoot your shot”. Nathaniel Hawthorne said it best, ” No man … can wear one face to himself and another to the multitudes without finally getting bewildered as to which maybe the truth.”.

Thanks to you, I have once again found myself in losing myself, and for that I am grateful. Losing everything that ever validated me allowed me to face my wounds and at 46 years old — finally start to heal. You helped put me in a place where I had to face my deepest wounds and darkest sins, forcing me to deal with the arrows that had wounded me so deeply, and I thank you for that. Because of you, I had to release the persona I had created that many liked, admired, and even envied; forcing me to face the pain and vulnerability hidden behind that facade. For that I say, “Thank you”.

Because of you, I’ve returned to one of my first loves — Literature. Dante, in his Inferno, most aptly summed up my situation early on in my stay at Mason: “In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the way was wholly lost.” I have you to thank for that awakening. Being in here forced me to give up everything, dropping my proverbial “fig leaf” and come out of hiding. I was forced to assess myself naked and exposed — physically, mentally, and spiritually. Early on I felt like I was dying and maybe I was, perhaps that was exactly what needed to happen. For that I say, “Thank You”.

I thank you and I forgive you. I refuse to become bitter, I will become better. I am not ashamed to admit I needed healing, I am not ashamed to admit I needed help, no longer ashamed that deep inside I felt alone and scared at times. I am not ashamed that in an honest analysis and looking at my life in retrospect; I was able to see and deal with the arrows that wounded me, some of these wounds still open and bleeding. Being in here I was able to easily follow the trial of blood these wound had left. Most importantly, I’ve learned that these wounds were not my fault and they do matter! Because of you, I’ve learned that it is OK to admit that I’ve been wounded and wounded deeply. For that I say, “Thank You”.

Because of you, I’ve realized that forgiveness is an act of will, not a feeling. That true forgiveness is not ignoring the hurt. It is NOT saying: “It didn’t matter” or “I may have deserved at least part of your treatment anyway”. True forgiveness IS saying: “It WAS wrong”, “It DOES matter”, and “I release you”.

Bly said it this way, “Where a man’s wound is … This is where his genius will be.”

Thanks to you, for the moment, I’ve been forced to lay down my work and need to constantly play “the Hero”; setting aside “healing people” and recognize that I was the one that was in desperate need of being “rescued”, that I was the one in desperate need of “healing”. It has been in this truly broken state that I’ve discovered what I have left to offer. One of my favorite authors, Ernest Hemingway, spoke to this epiphany: “We are all broken, but that’s how the light gets in.”

So, in closing, you are not the “villain” but the “hero” of my story. You have hurt me, but in this, allowed me to find healing. Even though it WAS wrong and it DID matter — I forgive you and I release you. In setting you free, I have actually freed myself, and I thank you for that.

Finally, I will leave you with the words of Sir Winston Churchill: “I felt as if I were walking with destiny, and that my whole past life had been but a preparation for this hour, and for this trial.”

With a heart full of thankfulness,
Jeff

Addendum from Doctorsofcourage:

Jeffrey Young, PA, had a 4 day trial March 27-March 31, 2023.  He, his friends, and supporters thought that the Supreme Court decision US v. Ruan would work to acquit him.  He spent almost 4 years in jail pre-trial. As I keep warning people, the District courts don’t pay any attention to SCOTUS. It’s all about the money. Jeffrey was convicted on Mar 31.

If you want these abuses of the law to stop, you must join Doctorsofcourage, learn the truth–that no drug causes addiction–and share that everywhere so we can offset the government propaganda that is putting innocent people in prison so government agents, DOJ, and law enforcement can make money off of the backs of compassionate medical providers.